How Can I Care?

What do you do when you don’t have the motivation, let alone the care, to do what you love?

For about a month now I’ve been feeling sluggish and uninspired to do any sort of writing whatsoever. Yes, I’m sure the lack of updates to this blog is glaringly obvious I am having some issues. There are many things I should be blogging about: my recent turn around the sun, my plundering of yarn stores, my Beltane experience with added drama llamas. And yet, I don’t. I himm, I haw, I cringe, and then reach for a pure distraction. Oh look. Laundry. Gee, I think it’s time I re-organized my tribble-sprouting yarn stash. How about I do uninteresting Facebook statuses? Sorry, did you say something? I was dressing up my virtual pet named “Elphie” on Petville.

Gah.

Even at this moment of ticka-tacka-typing I am struggling (or as Mr. Gaiman eloquently puts it, “trudging through fog”) to get the words out because it feels like a chore. Not in the “Every Writer Must Write Every Day Even If It Sucks” or the lame ass excuse of “I must await the arrival of my MUSE.” It’s more than that. It feels like much of the things I love to do, I simply don’t care anymore. I’d rather float and waft about barely touching the surface of anything of substance.

My heart is simply not in it.

And that scares the shit out of me. I have always been lead by my heart and tempered by my brain’s common sense. To attend a Beltane festival and simply not get into it, to want to write and simply get all flaky because it’s a burden isn’t like me at all. Granted, the moment I stop loving to Dance, now THAT is when I would seriously consider my mental status.

Knitting is a wonderful distraction from writing. I’m still creating something, but it’s for me and I’m always proud with how far my skills have come since I started this little hobby just over a year ago. Writing is different. I do it for me and for others. I’ve been doing it longer and I’m much more critical of myself.

So rather than blog or ink out short stories, I knit and watch movies. I want to change that. But to change it I need to figure why my heart has been so squished and stressed and wounded as of late.

Self-awareness can be a bitch sometimes.

Hi! I’m a lazyass and you are?

So much for being able to do NaBloPoMo for January. Le sigh. I tried, I really did. But rather than look upon this as a failure, I’d rather look at this as quite the accomplishment.

No, really.

In the past, out of 30 days, I would probably only post about ten times. Maybe less, maybe a little bit more. Yet with NaBloPoMo, I actually posted about 25 out of the 31 days. That’s freaking fabulous for me! Me, who attempted the Embodiment Project** twice and failed. Me, who even though has not been posting lately is STILL doing her daily photo.

On the agenda today, rather than frantically write up posts to back date to give the illusion I’ve written every day, I’m going to spam my own blog. Just post roughly three or four entries all marked today. I don’t have to prove to anyone but myself that I am capable of achieving my goals. And on many levels I already have.

**The Embodiment Project is a Livejournal community where starting on January 1st, one hand writes in their journal every single day for the entire year. Many folks sketch, paint, do collage, doodle, or merely write and they post photos of their artistic entries. My first year I bit off more than I could chew (shocker) and tried to pursue it via an altered book. I lasted about two months. The next year I kept it simple with just writing and I also lasted again roughly two months. Doing something on a daily basis, other than getting out of bed, is simply not my thing. I learned it the hard way.

Motivation, where art thou??

I have not contributed to NaNoWriMo since Tuesday. I’m in a holding pattern of just over 12,000 words and I should be at 20,000 by all sensible standards. Am I worried? No. Am I stressing? Not yet. Am I motivated to ignore this blog post and sprint onward in my novel at no-holds-barred finger-lightning speed??

Nope.

My motivation is taking a nap for some reason. Small little bits on a blog it can handle, but the daunting hurdle of writing 2K or 5K makes it want to serve up a full-bodied sigh with an eye roll garnish. I’ll get my groove back, I know I will.

In the meantime, I do have my spiffy, handy-dandy, Plot Pirate Writing Altar. This baby helps kick me in the ass when I need it (BOY do I need it) and it’s a reminder on just how darn creative I can be. A few years ago, my friend Inno invited me over so we could each make one. So, blame her. With an Altoid Tin, some fimo clay, a little bit of pre-Twilight sparkles, stones, and some sturdy E-6000 I created this Altered Traveling Altar in one afternoon.

Feel free to check out more of Inno’s crafty traveling tins over yonder. You won’t be disappointed.